Men’s mental health: The importance of opening up to others

MAINE, USA – Teenage boys and men are more likely to take their own lives than girls and women of the same age.

While statistics can be hard to follow, every number is a name, and every life taken leaves behind grieving loved ones and brings to light a question that can never be fully answered: Why?

June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and NEWS CENTER Maine spoke with trained professionals who work with men of all ages to promote the benefits of being open about their mental health.

One of those professionals is Portland native Paley Burlin, who admitted she never planned to become a licensed therapist. Sitting on his porch just a few miles from where he grew up, Burlin explained how a relationship with his therapist was “life-changing” and inspired him to pursue counseling as a career.

After another push from a graduate school professor, Burlin volunteered at a suicide crisis center for a year, taking calls from complete strangers who were experiencing the lowest moments of their lives.

“It opened my eyes to how much is possible in the present moment if we’re willing to be vulnerable and real with each other, and I think that’s a lesson that has served me well,” Burlin said.

Eventually, he moved home to Maine and opened his own practice where he shares lessons from a body-based approach to therapy: somatic psychotherapy.

“[It} is particularly helpful for people who have serious trauma history because trauma is something that we store in our physical bodies,” he added.

Burlin works with individuals and couples but admitted he is really passionate about group sessions because, as he said, there is nowhere to hide in a group setting.

“And a group is designed for honest, candid, transparency, and feedback. It’s sort of hard to find in our culture, people to be honest with us, in a kind way but also not mincing words,” he shared.

Many men who come to his groups are just getting into therapy, and Burlin said many of them open up to him, and the group, before opening up to their own family members.

“Which is a sad thing. It sort of speaks to how much we’re taught as men, to keep our pain to ourselves even with those that we love,” he said. “I think we can only go as deep with people as we’ve been willing to go ourselves.”

Helping men around Maine open up and better connect with those closest to them, while guiding them on a journey to become their true self, is also a mission for Maine Boys to Men. The organization has worked with middle and high school students across the state for 25 years.

“Right around middle school is when you’re starting to explore, what is my identity? What is my connection to the world? And if you’re being blocked off from that, then you don’t get to realize the possibilities that exist, and that’s really sad, and I think people later in life, very often, go through periods where they’re literally mourning what could have been,” executive director Bruce King said.

So, King and his team have a focus to reach young people before they realize they missed out on something they are truly passionate about.

“Maybe it’s an activity that they haven’t been able to partake in that they’ve always wanted to,” he added.

The nature of the organizations’ work is “facilitated dialogue,” opening the door for young men to have impactful conversations to learn more about themselves and about the importance of connecting with the world around them.

Maine Boys to Men also hosts programs for new Mainers entering our state to educate them on our culture and the role of men in society. It also hosts a Boot Camp for New Dads, to help expecting fathers understand the value and importance they will have on their children’s lives.

While working to redefine what it takes to “be a man,” King said there is also a goal to create a safer society by educating men to harness strong feelings like rage rather than resorting to violence, which can hurt other people or themselves.

“The majority of suicides are by men in this country, the gross majority of suicides,” he added. “And that’s something we want to mitigate.”

To that point, Burlin added that making space for rage in healthy ways can also make more room for genuine grief.

“We struggle to understand grief, and to make space for it, and to recognize the value of grieving—that it’s actually something that, when we’re truly grieving, it brings us together with other people. It connects us to life,” he added.

Professional golfer Grayson Murray took his own life last month after finishing a tournament round. The news shocked not just the golf world, but the larger sports community. Fellow players wore tributes to Murray the following day of competition as a way to honor his life and promote the importance of prioritizing mental health. In a sport like golf, where everything rests on the individual, managing emotions on the course can be a challenge.

Caleb Manuel of Topsham, who recently turned professional, began working with a sports psychiatrist during his final season at the University of Georgia.

He said that she reminds him to worry about your own expectations and not what other people expect from you.

Manuel said he likes to “play for [himself]” and focus on the shot in hand without worrying about the pressure.

“Someone asked me [the other day] for paychecks,” he said. “I’m not trying to think too much about it. I’m just trying to play golf.”

Manuel’s focus on what’s ahead paid off this week as he finished second at Charlie’s Maine Open.

Not everyone is a professional athlete who manages high scores, and not everyone may have persistent anxiety or other mental difficulties. But Burlin said there are things we can all do to boost our mental health, like focusing on our breathing and taking time to enjoy the sunshine and nature.

Burlin concluded his conversation with the Maine NEWS Center by sharing advice from the book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dead: A Life Transformed by the Bereavement of Loved Ones.”

In the book, the author emphasizes five main points:

• I wish I had the courage to be myself
• I would like to tell people that I love them more
• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
• I wish I allowed myself to be happy
• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.

“And I think [that] it speaks directly to why taking care of your mental health and investing in your mental health is an important thing to do while you’re still healthy,” added Burlin.

If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, remember that you are not alone and that there are resources available.